you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Randomize