Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
