This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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