Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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