so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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