the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I need a burrito and a hug.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
