I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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