Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
