even my farts smell like vagina
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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