Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Someone came in the potted fern
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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