I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My life is pants optional.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
