i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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