He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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