Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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