fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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