He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
