Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
