a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
