She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
