Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
