she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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