Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
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You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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