Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
