all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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