We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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