no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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