Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
