Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
