Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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