I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
