just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
