Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize