i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize