I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
