i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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