I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize