just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
do nipples grow back?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
