Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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