Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
