it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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