my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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