i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
