My friends, they love my intelligence
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just pee around me
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
