I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
