Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
