I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
