She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
