she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
