To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
