my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Did you pee in the oven last night??
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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