Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You pole danced in your parka.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Holy sore nipples Batman
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
