Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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