If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
