on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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