i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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