I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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