hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
