She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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