Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Bring me that man meat
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
