shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
