She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
