he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
