I only kidnapped one of them. chill
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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