i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
