My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
