I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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