you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
