Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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