I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
